During my time as a parent I have discovered that for many people 'mumming' is the hardest job in the world.
This is not true. With just a few handy tips and tricks 'mumming' is actually a piece of piss.
Here are the basics:
Sleep is a thing of the past, get used to functioning on 5 hours a night. Count yourself lucky if they are unbroken.
Do not plan anything *ever*. If you plan anything you are ensuring that your child/children will be ill. If the event you were planning was for your own enjoyment the illness will involve vomit, and lots of it. This is a scientific fact. If you don't believe me, I'm sure that I can provide an equation.
Only wear clothes that are black, brown or grey. You will never need to worry about stains again. And crumpled is cool, remember that.
If you are a woman and you are out and about with your children you become invisible to men. So you don't need to waste time making an effort to look pretty. If you are a man and you are out with your children, all women will assume that you are divorced, or even better, widowed. You are fair game and therefore must make an effort.
If you want to watch something interesting on the TV your child/ren will develop insomnia. You will never watch anything good until your children leave home. When that time comes you will be of an age where 'Gardeners World' gets your rocks off. Thus, you will *never* watch anything good again.
Unless newsworthy events are covered on Newsround or Blue Peter, you will have no knowledge of current affairs. If you are with people who are not *blessed* with children, you will have no idea what they are talking about. Just smile and nod, smile and nod... it will carry you a long way.
Learn how to lie. If you are with a group of parents who all breast feed and grow their own organic vegetables, just pretend that you do too. They don't need to know that you live on take-away meals and SMA. If they quiz you about the Nestle boycott, just agree with them. They will never know that you have a multipack of kit-kats and a fuck off jar of Nescafe in your kitchen. It's not worth alienating other adults over something silly like principles.
The time that your children wake up in the morning is inversely proportional to the volume of alcohol consumed the night before. What I am trying to tell you here is, the more you drink the less sleep your children will seem to need.
School is your friend. Parents sob on the first day of school out of sheer bloody relief. Anyone who says different is either deranged or lying.
Do not plan anything *ever*. If you plan anything you are ensuring that your child/children will be ill. If the event you were planning was for your own enjoyment the illness will involve vomit, and lots of it. This is a scientific fact. If you don't believe me, I'm sure that I can provide an equation.
Only wear clothes that are black, brown or grey. You will never need to worry about stains again. And crumpled is cool, remember that.
If you are a woman and you are out and about with your children you become invisible to men. So you don't need to waste time making an effort to look pretty. If you are a man and you are out with your children, all women will assume that you are divorced, or even better, widowed. You are fair game and therefore must make an effort.
If you want to watch something interesting on the TV your child/ren will develop insomnia. You will never watch anything good until your children leave home. When that time comes you will be of an age where 'Gardeners World' gets your rocks off. Thus, you will *never* watch anything good again.
Unless newsworthy events are covered on Newsround or Blue Peter, you will have no knowledge of current affairs. If you are with people who are not *blessed* with children, you will have no idea what they are talking about. Just smile and nod, smile and nod... it will carry you a long way.
Learn how to lie. If you are with a group of parents who all breast feed and grow their own organic vegetables, just pretend that you do too. They don't need to know that you live on take-away meals and SMA. If they quiz you about the Nestle boycott, just agree with them. They will never know that you have a multipack of kit-kats and a fuck off jar of Nescafe in your kitchen. It's not worth alienating other adults over something silly like principles.
The time that your children wake up in the morning is inversely proportional to the volume of alcohol consumed the night before. What I am trying to tell you here is, the more you drink the less sleep your children will seem to need.
School is your friend. Parents sob on the first day of school out of sheer bloody relief. Anyone who says different is either deranged or lying.
Once you have assimilated the basics you will be ready to move on to the advanced material.
Watch this space.
No comments:
Post a Comment