In this final guide to Christmas I am going to talk about shopping. We all have to do it. There is no escape.
You will have to buy gifts for people that you do not know very well and probably do not like. Just buy them biscuits, hopefully they will choke on them. It will serve 'em right for expecting a present.
You will have to buy a gift for your other half. Men, pay attention. This is a very difficult situation for you. If you spend too much money your wife will assume that you are guilty of something, and you will spend Christmas morning having to provide forensic evidence to prove that you are not having an affair. If you spend too little money your wife will assume that you don't love her any more and you will spend Christmas morning having to provide forensic evidence to prove that you are not having an affair. If you buy her sexy underwear she will assume that you don't find her sexy enough and you will spend Christmas morning having to provide forensic evidence to prove that you are not having an affair. I could go on, but I am sure that you get the picture.
Your children will write a Christmas list in October. Do not make the mistake of being organised and buying their gifts then. By December they will have changed their minds. Resign yourself to the fact that you will be fighting off fuckwits in Argos.
Do not rely on the internet. The internet will not deliver before Christmas, even if you order in January. On the rare occasions that they do deliver before Christmas they will deliver the wrong item to the wrong address. This means that you will have to make drunken phone calls to a call centre. You really don't want to go there. Also your partner will make scathing comments about your shopping skills which will cause a Christmas argument.
In December all shop staff will be miserable. Do not try to make eye contact with them, do not engage them in conversation and do not wish them a Merry Christmas. When they look at you across the checkout they are fantasising about how they would like to beat you senseless with your organic turkey and hand picked parsnips. I can't tell you what they want to do with your sprouts. I would be arrested.
You will have to buy a gift for your other half. Men, pay attention. This is a very difficult situation for you. If you spend too much money your wife will assume that you are guilty of something, and you will spend Christmas morning having to provide forensic evidence to prove that you are not having an affair. If you spend too little money your wife will assume that you don't love her any more and you will spend Christmas morning having to provide forensic evidence to prove that you are not having an affair. If you buy her sexy underwear she will assume that you don't find her sexy enough and you will spend Christmas morning having to provide forensic evidence to prove that you are not having an affair. I could go on, but I am sure that you get the picture.
Your children will write a Christmas list in October. Do not make the mistake of being organised and buying their gifts then. By December they will have changed their minds. Resign yourself to the fact that you will be fighting off fuckwits in Argos.
Do not rely on the internet. The internet will not deliver before Christmas, even if you order in January. On the rare occasions that they do deliver before Christmas they will deliver the wrong item to the wrong address. This means that you will have to make drunken phone calls to a call centre. You really don't want to go there. Also your partner will make scathing comments about your shopping skills which will cause a Christmas argument.
In December all shop staff will be miserable. Do not try to make eye contact with them, do not engage them in conversation and do not wish them a Merry Christmas. When they look at you across the checkout they are fantasising about how they would like to beat you senseless with your organic turkey and hand picked parsnips. I can't tell you what they want to do with your sprouts. I would be arrested.
This is the end of my guide, I have to go shopping now.
Merry Christmas slackers!! See you next year!
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