School days might be the best days of your childrens lives, but for you, dear parent, they will be shit.
I have written a short guide outlining the many facets of school life.
Teachers.
You won't have too much to do with teachers, but they will dominate your life. They will set huge amounts of homework and send letters home demanding large amounts of cash.
If you are lucky your child might get taught by an attractive teacher. It will make no difference to their education but you will feel less like running into the school and killing them when they refuse to see that your little darling is a genius.
You will see your childs teacher at parents evening. Please do not think that the teacher wants to spend half an hour discussing your child. They do not want to hear about how you used cloth nappies and breastfed until your child was 4. And they do not want hear about interesting articles that you read in The Guardian. At parents evenings teachers are merely killing time until they can leave and escape to the boozer.
Engaging teachers in long conversations in the playground before school, or popping in to see them at the end of the school day, will not endear you to them. Instead of thinking that you are *the best parent in the world* they will be on the phone to their lawyer asking about restraining orders.
If you are lucky your child might get taught by an attractive teacher. It will make no difference to their education but you will feel less like running into the school and killing them when they refuse to see that your little darling is a genius.
You will see your childs teacher at parents evening. Please do not think that the teacher wants to spend half an hour discussing your child. They do not want to hear about how you used cloth nappies and breastfed until your child was 4. And they do not want hear about interesting articles that you read in The Guardian. At parents evenings teachers are merely killing time until they can leave and escape to the boozer.
Engaging teachers in long conversations in the playground before school, or popping in to see them at the end of the school day, will not endear you to them. Instead of thinking that you are *the best parent in the world* they will be on the phone to their lawyer asking about restraining orders.
Other Peoples Children.
Before your children attend school you will have the luxury of choosing their friends. Once they start school they will choose their own friends.
I have to warn you that they will pick a friend who is common and a bad influence. All the middle class virtues that you have tried to instill into your child will be undone. No longer will they be content with a box of raisins and an educational toy. They will demand a Playstation and a 'belly button' piercing.
Parties will no longer be jolly, middle class affairs. Other peoples children will invite your child to all manner of downmarket venues. Your child might have to mix with people who have never been to university. I'm sorry, but this is true.
I have to warn you that they will pick a friend who is common and a bad influence. All the middle class virtues that you have tried to instill into your child will be undone. No longer will they be content with a box of raisins and an educational toy. They will demand a Playstation and a 'belly button' piercing.
Parties will no longer be jolly, middle class affairs. Other peoples children will invite your child to all manner of downmarket venues. Your child might have to mix with people who have never been to university. I'm sorry, but this is true.
Other Childrens Parents.
Most of your time at school will be spent with other childrens parents. There is a complex social hierarchy in the playground (Think American teen movies) and it is vital that you get in to the correct group as soon as possible.
Here is a breakdown of the social groups that are found in the school playground.
Common Parents.
Common parents are easy to spot. After the first week of school they will never set foot in the playground again. They will stand by the school gates smoking and petting their dangerous dogs. They will all have tattoos and dress inappropriately
Yummy Mummys.
The Yummys are always aged between 30 and 45. They don't need to work and they spend their days lunching, playing tennis and shopping. They will live in the nicest houses that are closest to the school, yet they will all drive to school in very big cars. They all have blonde hair and wear white clothes. Their children will have that healthy glow that comes from 4 foreign holidays a year.
Working Mummys.
Working mummys all look stressed. They tend to keep to themselves because they think that they are not *proper mummys* To compensate for this they will throw the most lavish birthday parties and their children will always wear *very expensive clothes*.
Earth Mummys.
Earth mummys always look ugly. Any sense of style, fun or self was thrown out with the placenta in the delivery room. School will be difficult for them and their children because their children are all special. If you invite their child to your house they will come too. And they will judge you and make you aware that you are neglectful because you stopped pureeing your childs food before your child hit two.
Arse Lickers.
These are the parents who will be on all the committees. Need a cake baked? A stall manned? A meeting minute-ed? Never fear, an arse licker is here!! They think that the teachers all love them.... they don't. Normally arse lickers burn out and are on prozac by the time their child reaches secondary school.
Normal Parents.
If you are lucky you might meet one or two. Don't hold your breath though.
Common parents are easy to spot. After the first week of school they will never set foot in the playground again. They will stand by the school gates smoking and petting their dangerous dogs. They will all have tattoos and dress inappropriately
Yummy Mummys.
The Yummys are always aged between 30 and 45. They don't need to work and they spend their days lunching, playing tennis and shopping. They will live in the nicest houses that are closest to the school, yet they will all drive to school in very big cars. They all have blonde hair and wear white clothes. Their children will have that healthy glow that comes from 4 foreign holidays a year.
Working Mummys.
Working mummys all look stressed. They tend to keep to themselves because they think that they are not *proper mummys* To compensate for this they will throw the most lavish birthday parties and their children will always wear *very expensive clothes*.
Earth Mummys.
Earth mummys always look ugly. Any sense of style, fun or self was thrown out with the placenta in the delivery room. School will be difficult for them and their children because their children are all special. If you invite their child to your house they will come too. And they will judge you and make you aware that you are neglectful because you stopped pureeing your childs food before your child hit two.
Arse Lickers.
These are the parents who will be on all the committees. Need a cake baked? A stall manned? A meeting minute-ed? Never fear, an arse licker is here!! They think that the teachers all love them.... they don't. Normally arse lickers burn out and are on prozac by the time their child reaches secondary school.
Normal Parents.
If you are lucky you might meet one or two. Don't hold your breath though.
I hope that this guide has been helpful.
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