This guide is designed to iron out the relationship 'issues' that can sometimes crop up after slackers are blessed with children. Todays guide is aimed at men and it concentrates on two areas that men struggle with. Sex and Communication.
If you haven't got a dinkle, read this article and then pass it on to someone who has. It's your duty.
Sex.
After you have had children sex will never be the same again. This isn't because one party in the relationship has had their genitals stretched beyond the realms of human endurance. Sex will be ruined because children are programmed to interrupt it. They are the 'sex police'.
Let's assume something unlikely. You both have sufficient energy and desire to fancy a bit of 'hows your father' at the same time. The very minute that you are both enjoying it your child will either begin screaming or will make an alarming chokey noise. One of you will deal with the screaming/choking child. The other will fall asleep.
Men, a word of advice for you. When sleep is at a premium don't get the hump if an 'early night' is just that.... an early night. You see, when you haven't slept for several months you just don't really feel like donning your nipple tassles and corset.
Men, another word of advice. Foreplay.... it's not all about sexual gymnastics. Simple things like doing some washing, changing a nappy and finding your own clothes will drive your wife wild with desire.
Let's assume something unlikely. You both have sufficient energy and desire to fancy a bit of 'hows your father' at the same time. The very minute that you are both enjoying it your child will either begin screaming or will make an alarming chokey noise. One of you will deal with the screaming/choking child. The other will fall asleep.
Men, a word of advice for you. When sleep is at a premium don't get the hump if an 'early night' is just that.... an early night. You see, when you haven't slept for several months you just don't really feel like donning your nipple tassles and corset.
Men, another word of advice. Foreplay.... it's not all about sexual gymnastics. Simple things like doing some washing, changing a nappy and finding your own clothes will drive your wife wild with desire.
Communication.
Communication is very important in a relationship. This is something that men can sometimes find difficult.
Here are some tips for 'The Dads' on post partum female body language.
The raised eyebrow.
You will see this quite often. Pretty much as a response to everything you say ever again. It's not a come hither look. What it means is this: 'Everything you say is wrong. Until you can give birth your opinion on any subject counts for nothing.'
You had better get used to *the eyebrow*
The fixed grin.
This is a progression of *the eyebrow*. It means that you have ignored *the eyebrow* and continued speaking. *The grin* actually means: 'If you don't shut the fuck up, I am going to kill you and no court in the land will convict me. I haven't slept for 2 years and I don't give a shit about your car/job/cold.'
Hopefully you won't see *the grin* too often.
The death stare.
This only comes out in public. In public women won't do *the eyebrow* or *the grin*. They know that other women will spot it. And they want other women to know that you both have the perfect post-child relationship.
However, if you:
Speak to or smile at anyone younger/slimmer/childfree,
Make a joke about childbirth,
Make a joke about the state of the house,
Imply that your life is not totally perfect.
The death stare will come out. If you see a *death stare* be scared. As soon as you arrive home you will get it in the neck. If you are clever you will never see a *death stare*
The bedside manner.
If you are foolish enough to get ill, take note. Should you take to your bed and wake from your fevered slumbers to find your wife standing over you with a pillow, she is not thinking of your comfort. She is planning to smother you. Illness is annoying. You are not allowed to get ill.
You will see this quite often. Pretty much as a response to everything you say ever again. It's not a come hither look. What it means is this: 'Everything you say is wrong. Until you can give birth your opinion on any subject counts for nothing.'
You had better get used to *the eyebrow*
The fixed grin.
This is a progression of *the eyebrow*. It means that you have ignored *the eyebrow* and continued speaking. *The grin* actually means: 'If you don't shut the fuck up, I am going to kill you and no court in the land will convict me. I haven't slept for 2 years and I don't give a shit about your car/job/cold.'
Hopefully you won't see *the grin* too often.
The death stare.
This only comes out in public. In public women won't do *the eyebrow* or *the grin*. They know that other women will spot it. And they want other women to know that you both have the perfect post-child relationship.
However, if you:
Speak to or smile at anyone younger/slimmer/childfree,
Make a joke about childbirth,
Make a joke about the state of the house,
Imply that your life is not totally perfect.
The death stare will come out. If you see a *death stare* be scared. As soon as you arrive home you will get it in the neck. If you are clever you will never see a *death stare*
The bedside manner.
If you are foolish enough to get ill, take note. Should you take to your bed and wake from your fevered slumbers to find your wife standing over you with a pillow, she is not thinking of your comfort. She is planning to smother you. Illness is annoying. You are not allowed to get ill.
If this guide has helped to save just one relationship I will be happy. If you have any questions on this course I will be more than happy to advise you to call Relate.
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