This is the first in a series of modules designed to guide you through the season of good will. If you pay attention to this course you should be able to navigate the festive season without getting arrested or visiting a divorce lawyer. Today I am discussing the significance of schools and booze.
Schools.
If you have school age children Christmas is not the season to be jolly. You will be required to draw on all your parenting prowess in order to avoid emotionally scarring your children for life.
You child's school will have a Christmas Fair. You will be required to either send in items to be sold or make cakes for the cake stall. There is no easy option here. If you send in 'an item' you are admitting that you can't be arsed to bake a cake. You will be labeled as a lazy parent and social services will be alerted. You will be shunned in the playground. Forever.
If you do decide to go down the cake route remember that you are entering an arena more competitive and dangerous than the one that Russell Crowe graced in Gladiator. A simple Victoria Sandwich will not suffice. Three-tier festive cakes and gingerbread houses are the order of the day. When you take your creation into school please do not put it in a Tupperware container. Staging is everything. You should glide in, looking glamorous, with a silver platter balanced on one hand and your creation sitting on it gently covered with a bright, white Egyptian cotton tea-towel. The other mummies do not need need to know that you have been awake all night begging the bastard icing to set. They also don't need to know that you fed your children hundreds and thousands and marzipan for breakfast.
The chances are that your child's school will organise a nativity play. It will not be a nativity play as you know it. There will be a cast of thousands to ensure that every child is included. This is nonsense, everyone knows that the only parts that matter are Mary and Joseph. If your child is lucky enough to bag a starring role you can heave a sigh of relief. It is a fact that all Marys and Josephs go on to be popular, well balanced and successful. The rest of you are screwed.
You will be required to buy presents for your child's teacher. I don't know why, but it is just the done thing. A word of advice, teachers don't want cute handmade gifts created by your child. They don't want mugs or ties with smutty comments printed on them. They just want booze and lots of it.
You child's school will have a Christmas Fair. You will be required to either send in items to be sold or make cakes for the cake stall. There is no easy option here. If you send in 'an item' you are admitting that you can't be arsed to bake a cake. You will be labeled as a lazy parent and social services will be alerted. You will be shunned in the playground. Forever.
If you do decide to go down the cake route remember that you are entering an arena more competitive and dangerous than the one that Russell Crowe graced in Gladiator. A simple Victoria Sandwich will not suffice. Three-tier festive cakes and gingerbread houses are the order of the day. When you take your creation into school please do not put it in a Tupperware container. Staging is everything. You should glide in, looking glamorous, with a silver platter balanced on one hand and your creation sitting on it gently covered with a bright, white Egyptian cotton tea-towel. The other mummies do not need need to know that you have been awake all night begging the bastard icing to set. They also don't need to know that you fed your children hundreds and thousands and marzipan for breakfast.
The chances are that your child's school will organise a nativity play. It will not be a nativity play as you know it. There will be a cast of thousands to ensure that every child is included. This is nonsense, everyone knows that the only parts that matter are Mary and Joseph. If your child is lucky enough to bag a starring role you can heave a sigh of relief. It is a fact that all Marys and Josephs go on to be popular, well balanced and successful. The rest of you are screwed.
You will be required to buy presents for your child's teacher. I don't know why, but it is just the done thing. A word of advice, teachers don't want cute handmade gifts created by your child. They don't want mugs or ties with smutty comments printed on them. They just want booze and lots of it.
Booze.
Alcohol will be your friend over the festive season. It will dull the pain of the demands placed on you by school, shopping, over excited children and family gatherings. However you must be careful to avoid some of the common pitfalls caused by self medicating with alcohol over the season of good will.
How much is too much?
It is difficult to define a quantity, but here are some signs that you should never ignore:
You want to take your clothes off...... at a party.
You want to tell your mother in law that she is still a fine looking woman.
You have an urge to kiss your boss.
You think that climbing onto your roof and pretending to be Santa is a good idea.
Lambrusco tastes nice.
You consider buying a Cliff Richard CD.
You want to tell your mother in law that she is still a fine looking woman.
You have an urge to kiss your boss.
You think that climbing onto your roof and pretending to be Santa is a good idea.
Lambrusco tastes nice.
You consider buying a Cliff Richard CD.
If any of the above happen, step away from your drink. You really don't want to take any chances.
When someone you love has too much to drink.
At some point over the festive period your significant other will have too much to drink. This situation requires careful handling. Here are some pointers for you:
If they tell you that they will be back home by a specific time do not expect them to stick to it. Remember, after a few drinks they will be operating on BBT (British Beer Time) If they told you that they would be home by midnight, don't expect them to show up until 3.
When they stumble in late at night don't make eye contact. If you do they will engage you in an hour long drunken conversation about all the amusing things they said and did during their evening out. The funny thing is that it won't be amusing at all.
If they vomit, clear it up yourself. That way you have the moral high ground. Milk it for all it's worth.
When they stumble in late at night don't make eye contact. If you do they will engage you in an hour long drunken conversation about all the amusing things they said and did during their evening out. The funny thing is that it won't be amusing at all.
If they vomit, clear it up yourself. That way you have the moral high ground. Milk it for all it's worth.
I hope that this guide has been useful. Watch out for Part 2. I shall be discussing the joys of shopping and family gatherings.
Peace and love to all.
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